Meet the Parents
by thisisforyou
Summary: <html><head></head>He'd thought about pretending he was an orphan, but knowing his luck, she would have picked up the phone when they called anyway. No, Linus Caldwell had to front up and inroduce his girlfriend to his parents.</html>


Linus Caldwell stood on his parents' doorstep, girlfriend in hand, nervous as hell.

He shouldn't be nervous. But then by rights he should really have gone through this process before and therefore know exactly how his father, especially, was going to react. His lack of a previous serious girlfriend was a touchy subject with him. A point, no doubt, his dad would be eager to turn against him.

The girl stroked his hand with her thumb in a reassuring sort of manner. Oh, he'd had other girlfriends, he'd assured her, just none he cared about enough to introduce to his parents. Well, that was partly true. The other part she would have laughed at.

Truth was, Linus was a little bit scared of his parents. He tried to keep it from everybody, especially her, but he thought she knew anyway. It was probably the shiver, the little involuntary flinch whenever somebody brought them into the conversation. He couldn't help it. He wished, sometimes, that he wasn't such a wimp.

She looked at him and laughed. "Just knock, Linus. He's not going to eat you."

The other thing was that she already knew his parents. Not personally, but by reputation. Everybody in their business knew about the Caldwells. And the things she'd heard about them were rather different from the things he would have told her. But then, people are always different when they're your parents.

But he always overreacted anyway. That's what his mother said. He took a deep breath, gave his girlfriend's hand a little squeeze for confidence – or luck, or whatever you squeezed people's hands for – and knocked on the door.

It opened straight away, almost as if someone had been standing right behind the door waiting for the knock. Luckily it was his mother who stood there, grinning expectantly, because he forgot to do his usual step backwards to avoid his father's arm that would clap on his shoulder. "You must be Stephanie," the short woman said in a voice that was almost a shriek, completely ignoring her son. "Come in, dear, come in." Stephanie glanced at him, a mocking grin on her soft oval face, and stepped into the house he grew up in.

Molly Caldwell put her arm around her son. Linus resisted the urge to shrug her off. He wasn't twelve – but he grudgingly admitted that he wasn't surly either and hugged her. "How are you, dear?" she asked. He opened his mouth to reply he was very well, thank you, in that polite voice she taught him when he was five, but apparently she didn't really care how he was. "Come into the living room," she interrupted. "Your father's just making tea."

Linus' father had never made tea in his life. He wondered, _again_, whether bringing Steph here was really the smartest idea. He should have waited until they were married, or engaged, or something that meant there was no way she could leave him after being poisoned or beaten up or verbally ridiculed into oblivion by his parents. Although 43% of marriages end in divorce, so it probably wouldn't have made a difference.

He wasn't sure why his mother was being so… motherly, either. She didn't usually act like this, not to him; she was his _mother_, no-one could be in any doubt about that, but she tended to behave a lot more like his father, teasing rather than maternal. He smiled as Stephanie took a step closer to him and took hold of his hand again. It was probably her reassuring him, not seeking reassurance herself, but still. It felt nice. He was okay with being wimpy most of the time, as long as he had people who would be sympathetic around him. Rather than –

"Linus Caldwell Junior, are you so ashamed of us that you don't come and see us for six months and then finally need a _girl_ as an excuse to get back in touch? I bet she's a hired prostitute because you couldn't work up the courage to apologise to us."

- that. That was his father. Bobby Caldwell sat – no, _sprawled_ was a better word – over the sofa in the living room. He was not a big man, though slightly barrel-chested and stocky, creating an almost diminutive presence that might lead others in a room with him to dismiss him as posing no threat. Which was, Linus well knew, a huge mistake.

"Excuse me?" Linus flinched as Stephanie reacted; it was always a heartbeat before he realised people were joking. "He wouldn't be able to afford me."

"But if he stole you you wouldn't even notice," his father said, and he was pleased to hear a note of pride in the wry drawl. He'd always hated that voice, but on the odd occasion it was complimenting him he let it pass. Steph snaked an arm around his waist and conceded the point.

He tried to stop himself beaming. His father didn't often pay him compliments, _and _Steph still liked him after hearing how he was treated at home. Maybe it wasn't the end of the world.

But it wasn't over. "Come on, Stephanie, give us a hug, then," Bobby insisted, standing up. One never came out richer from one of _his_ hugs. He wanted to tell her not to, but rudeness was never tolerated in front of his mother, so he had to watch as his girlfriend wrapped her arms around his father. He tried giving him a _don't you dare_ look over her shoulder, but the older man studiously avoided his eyes, and he probably wouldn't have dared to go through with the stare himself if he had.

They broke apart, both grinning. Steph slipped something into the pocket of her red dress; Linus relaxed and sat down on the couch beside his mother. "She's beautiful," the woman whispered in his ear.

"I know," he replied. And he did know; he was so aware of it that it actually hurt sometimes. She was so beautiful he couldn't help being jealous of every man she glanced at, couldn't help being surprised every time she told him she loved him.

"You're good," she was telling his father, grinning sagely. "Now give it back."

Bobby Caldwell adopted a very convincing innocent expression, but Stephanie could play that game too. And did, as a matter of fact. It was how she made a living. "Give what back?"

"My cellphone that you took out of my pocket," she replied. He grinned guiltily. "I'm used to people trying," she explained. Linus chuckled to himself as his father handed over the phone and Steph drew something out of her own pocket.

"You can have this back, too," she said, holding it out to him. Bobby guffawed.

"You devil! My wallet!" She smiled in the vixen-like way she often adopted after a bout of pickpocketing.

"Who carries their wallet in their pocket in their own home?" she retorted. The two, having found their common passion, laughed together and sat down. Bobby cast an approving glance back at his son; Linus returned the look with an almost indignant one of his own. He'd mentioned she was a good grifter and his father still thought he could beat her. His father was the bar Linus set for other thieves. If they couldn't have beaten Bobby Caldwell, he didn't think they were good. His father knew that. And teased him about it, too.

"So how did you two meet?" His mother asked, getting up as the kettle screamed. Steph shot him a lively grin.

"We just walked past each other on the street," she said, laughing. Linus laughed too.

"You grifted me," he corrected. She shrugged as though they were the same thing, coercing another guffaw out of Bobby. "You lifted my wallet as you walked past me and then told me I dropped it."

Her laugh was sweet and tinkling, with that hint of devilish humour behind it that he loved so much about her. "But you saw through me," she reminded him.

He tried the kind of sarcasm he'd heard people like Danny and Rusty use before. "Yeah, well, come on," he said easily. "Anyone could have seen through that innocent, love-me smile…"

She just laughed. "Did you see _your_ smile that day?"

"I'm sure it was okay until you said yes," he mused. "Then I think my whole face went pear-shaped."

That comment, however true he thought it was, got quite a reaction. Steph laughed again, but her smile this time was kind; his mother took in a sharp breath and watched the two of them with gleaming eyes. Bobby didn't react, but he hardly ever did anyway.

"So," he drawled, breaking the altogether too lovey-dovey silence, "what embarrassing secrets can we tell you about Linus? Has he mentioned the time his mother over here had to pose as the chief of Police to bail him out of prison?"

Steph sat up, her eyes glowing. "What? No!"

Linus Caldwell put his head in his hands. It had taken him a few minutes, but he'd got there in the end. This was exactly what he didn't want to hear. A few more stories like that one – which hadn't really been his fault – and the most amazing girl he'd ever been embarrassed in front of would never want to see him again. He wished he had the guts to fight for himself; but as he listened to his father's mocking voice and his soon-to-be ex girlfriend's giggles, he simply wished he could sink into the floor and never be heard from again.

* * *

><p>He walked out of his house in a cloud of shame. Oh, everyone had been cordial enough as they left, his father giving him the traditional slap on the back that stopped his heart for a few beats, his mother leaving him with a kiss on the cheek. He wasn't sure how it would end. But he knew it would.<p>

"Sorry," he mumbled as they started walking.

She laughed. "About what? They remind me of _my _parents." He looked at her in surprise. "Constantly trying to embarrass me in front of people I want to impress…"

"Your parents do that? I thought I was just unlucky." _I thought you wouldn't want me, _he didn't add. _After you saw how I let them walk all over me._

"I thought everyone's parents did that," she admitted. "I felt like I should fight back, but I couldn't because they're my parents. They had power over me." She thought about it for a while, avoiding his gaze. "Still do. That's why you haven't met them yet."

He stopped walking and looked at her incredulously. "Seriously? You're scared of your parents?"

She stopped too, laughing at the hurt look on his face. "Don't give me that look. You are too." He kept the look firmly where it was. She'd let him beat himself up about his own fears and all the time she felt exactly the same? That wasn't fair. She sighed. "I didn't tell you because it's embarrassing."

"I've been working myself into a frenzy, thinking you were going to leave me when you found out how much of a loser they think I am, worrying that Dad would tell you the prison story, and you _knew_, and you didn't say anything?"

She chuckled. "You were so cute." He couldn't believe it. _Cute_ he may be, but that was insanely cruel. "And I know that prison thing wasn't your fault. Danny told me. He said you were brilliant. _And_," she added with the air of one delivering a final blow, "they don't think you're a loser. They're proud of you. If they thought you were a loser they'd be nice to you because they'd think no-one else was."

That coaxed a laugh from his lips. "All right," he said, taking her hand and starting to walk again. Forgive and forget, and all that. And maybe a little bit of revenge. "Next weekend, we meet _your _parents."

She groaned. "My parents are worse than yours."

He laughed, revelling in the odd sort of pleasure from someone else's discomfort, and hugged her. "Not possible."

She hugged him back, but stiffly, and when he let her go, he saw that she was scowling. "I've met your parents, remember? Mine are worse. Your parents are thieves. Mine are accountants."

"Ah."

"I've been lying to my parents since I left university. They think I'm a human rights activist." She grinned again. He laughed at how ridiculous this was.

"A human rights activist," he repeated, still chuckling. She joined in.

"Some irony there, one feels." She slipped his arm around his back to rest on his hip. He mimicked the posture and they walked away from Linus' parents' house, smiles on both their faces.

"What do they think I am?" he asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

"They don't even know you exist," she said lightly, and adopted a stuffy, prosaic tone. "Given the nature of my occupation I can't keep in contact with them too much, you know." He involuntarily wished it were the same with his parents; but the nature of _his_ occupation, the one his parents knew about, was such that they knew about every little job he pulled. It was mostly Danny's fault. "You should be rich, though. A banker or a lawyer."

"Not a film star?" he asked sarcastically.

She pretended to seriously contemplate this. "Maybe…" he rolled his eyes as she looked him up and down. "If you stood up straight and looked confident you could probably pass for Matt Damon."

He stood up straight and looked confident. Picking up the Chicago accent he'd dropped somewhat since leaving the state, he extended a hand to Steph's imaginary mother. "Mrs Robinson? I'm Matt… yes, Matt Damon…"

She shrieked with laughter. "You're good… you could rob a museum like that."

"We tried that," he told her, still in the accent. "Rusty's girlfriend picked Tess up on the autograph. Ended up in prison and Mum had to come bail us out…"

"I know," she replied.

That's right. His father had told the story twice already that morning.

"It wouldn't work for my parents, either," she said, sighing sadly. "Mum's a fan of _Who_ magazine. Matt Damon gets a new girl, she knows about it."

He grinned. "Pity. That would have been fun."

"It was doomed anyway," she said after a comfortable pause. "I would have started laughing at you."

"I'll stick with the hotshot lawyer theory, shall I?" he said, a glint of mirth in his eyes. "Maybe I could deal with human rights violations."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: It's just as easy to review it as it is to hit the 'Favourite' button, but it makes me so much happier.**

**Just saying. This ran away from me a little bit, I intended to make it short and sweet but wasn't quite sure how to handle it... it was just a thought, you know, 'haha... wouldn't it be funny if Linus brought a girlfriend home...' and then I was bored at work and decided to write it and this is what happened. **

**I'll get back to the monologue I'm supposed to have written now. Happy Easter, everyone!**

**-for you!**


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